She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
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Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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