Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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