hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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