hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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