dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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