I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
