addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
