I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
