A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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