I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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