Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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