I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
