Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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