Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
