I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
If its not for food we ain't going out.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
