Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
