glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
