I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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