I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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