I am midnight drunk by noon
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize