I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
