It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
