you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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