In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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