So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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