at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
