We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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