There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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