And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
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Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
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You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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