I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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