I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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