You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
