I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
