After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
