Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
