She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think I am morally bankrupt
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Blood and glitter go together right?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
