at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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