I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
