I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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