My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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