I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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