you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
