He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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