you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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