Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
