Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
