I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
