He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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