i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
