you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
