Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
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It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
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Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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