fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
