Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
