Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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