you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
