if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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