My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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