Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
